We're Going to Cover That In Phase 2

Recently I was sent a humor piece titled “The Seven Deadly Sins of Dating” written by Jonathan Selwood which was definitely good enough to share. Lust, envy, wrath, gluttony, pride, greed and sloth have never been so funny. If only “Seven” was like this – Brad Pitt would have been crying out of laughter, not because his wife’s head was chopped off (oh no – did I just ruin the movie for you? Pretend this post never happened…)
Enjoy the entire piece after the jump.
Is your list of sexual conquests stuck in the low three figures? Do you have less than ten amateur sex tapes currently circulating on the Internet? Do you feel embarrassed employing fellatio as your primary method of career advancement?
You are not alone. There are literally tens of women worldwide who are just as virtuous as you. But despair not, Hollywood native Jonathan Selwood’s guide to the Seven Deadly Sins of Dating will have you rivaling Paris Hilton in no time.
LUST
Outside of binge drinking, lust is probably the single most important dating tool a woman has. Whether you’re looking for a drunken quickie in the bathroom stall, or a long-term commitment lasting an hour or more, lust is what ultimately keeps your ankles up by your ears.
Sadly, the new millennium has found this “sleaziest of sins” to be in serious decline. Believe it or not, the average 18-34 year-old man is 38% less lusty than he was only ten years ago*. The unlikely culprit? You. And by “you,” I don’t mean women in general, I mean Britney Spears.
Again and again, Britney is celebrated in the international tabloid press for bravely facing the paparazzi sans panties. And as usual, the tabloids have shown themselves to be little more than a propaganda mouth piece for the all-powerful Hollywood publicity machine—after all, a true slut wouldn’t have been wearing anything at all. Tabloids j’accuse!
My extensive (one might even say intrusive) research on the subject suggests that by going stark naked in public the average young woman will increase the ambient lust factor by a full 3.8%-4.3%. That’s 3.8%-4.3% more random strangers asking you to accompany them behind the Dumpster, and 3.8%-4.3% more notches in the ole belt (which, of course, you won’t need anymore).
*Yale Journal of Wildly Unsubstantiated Claims, Spring, 2006
ENVY
Despite their excess facial hair and musky scent, men are emotionally fragile creatures who need to be constantly—even relentlessly—reminded that you care. And if our brave astronauts have taught us anything over the last few years, it’s that nothing shows you care like driving cross-country while wearing a diaper.
WRATH
As might be expected, envy segues nicely into wrath. No man feels truly loved until he’s had his genitalia threatened by kitchen shears. Remember to mail a pair in advance to any romantic vacation spots you might be visiting, because they don’t let you carry them on the airplane anymore.
In addition, while I would certainly never personally endorse dousing your romantic rivals in gasoline and lighting them on fire, it’s a good start. Better yet, combat global warming by using biodiesel.
GLUTTONY
I’m not saying that excess food, alcohol, and drugs won’t potentially lead to obesity, hangovers, chronic illness, public humiliation, mental impairment, misery, and an early grave. All I’m saying is that it worked for Anna Nicole.
PRIDE
Are you proud to be black? Proud to be an American? Or perhaps even the proud parent of an honor student? Well then you’re already there!
If, on the other hand, you’re like most women (i.e., trapped in an overflowing latrine of self-loathing), pride might be a little harder to come by. Personally, I recommend trying to be proud of the little things—like the time you wore a tube top to the opera.
With practice, you might even be able to perform your thrice-nightly “walk of shame” without sobbing uncontrollably.
GREED
Greed is passion. Greed is desire. It’s about flipping the bird to convention, looking out for your own best interest, and living your life the way you want to.
That’s why I recommend becoming a prostitute.
SLOTH
What ever happened to body hair? Remember the Eighties when Tom Selleck’s shag-rug of a chest made the girls swoon and Brooke Shield’s eyebrows covered 90% of her forehead? Go back another decade, and there’s the original Joy of Sex–a book so hairy you need an Epilady just to read it. Hell, remember when Elliott Gould was a sex symbol? (Well, I don’t, but he was.)
Call them hypocritical filthy patchouli-reeking sellouts, but you have to admit, the hippies were lazy. Why not follow their slothful example and return to that fabled Summer of Love?
I say we stop with the plucking and get back to the f#!%ing. We’re all descended from lice-ridden monkeys; it’s time we started to look the part. Let those eyebrows unify. Let that troublesome leg stubble become a carefree winter pelt. Give that antiperspirant something to clump on to…
And remember, ladies, nothing says “Go!” like a ‘fro down below.
Jonathan Selwood grew up in Hollywood and is the author of the forthcoming novel, The Pinball Theory of Apocalypse (Harper Perennial, August 2007.) He received an M.F.A. from Columbia University and now lives in Portland, Oregon.