ramblings

“D’oh! Looks like Dear Abby isn’t a Simpsons fan”

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I grabbed the copy below from an E Online news post:

The nationally syndicated columnist was taken in by a hoax letter that bore a strong resemblance to a day in the life of the dysfunctional cartoon family.

Dear Abby (real name: Jeanne Phillips) penned a reply to a letter purportedly from “Stuck in a Love Triangle,” which described a picture of less-than-domestic bliss.

The column was sent out to papers last week, but was withheld from Monday’s editions after a sharp-eyed editor recognized Simpson similarities. In the column, titled “Wife meets perfect match after husband strikes out,” Stuck complained to Dear Abby that she was a 34-year-old mother of three, married for 10 years to a “greedy, selfish, inconsiderate and rude” partner by the name of Gene.

An unwitting Gene had committed the unforgivable sin of gifting his darling wife with a bowling ball for her birthday–a bowling ball that was sized for his fingers and engraved with his name, no less.
Frustrated, Stuck decided to make the most of the situation and hit the local alley for bowling lessons.

Little did she expect to find love at the lanes, but as it turned out, a dashing suitor by the name of Franco, a “kind, considerate and loving” individual, was waiting in the wings.

Soon thereafter, Stuck fell head over ninepin for Franco, who subsequently proposed.

“I no longer love Gene,” Stuck confessed in her letter. “I want to divorce him and marry Franco. At the same time, I’m worried that Gene won’t be able to move on with his life. I also think our kids would be devastated. What should I do?”

Replying in her usual sanctimonious, pun-laden manner, Dear Abby advised Stuck to discuss her reasons for cheating with Gene.

“To save the marriage,” read the smarmy counsel, “he might be willing to change back to the man who bowled you over in the first place.”

An editor at one of the newspapers that subscribes to the column noticed that the events described sounded awfully similar to an episode of The Simpsons titled “Life on the Fast Lane.”

In the episode, a less-than-suave Homer presents Marge with a birthday bowling ball.

Marge heads off to the lanes to bowl a few rounds, where she meets another man.

In both the letter and the show, each husband grows suspicious of his wife after discovering a bowling glove–a gift from the other man.

Homer reacts by proclaiming his love for Marge, who later meets him at the nuclear power plant where he works.

Before a crowd of cheering coworkers, Homer hefts Marge into his arms and carries her out of the plant–presumably to live happily ever after.

The conclusion to Stuck in a Love Triangle’s star-crossed romance, on the other hand, will forever remain a mystery.

Via E Online

ramblings

If I had $1,000,000…

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….I would do the following: well, I don’t know what I would do. If I leave it as is, I could live off of the interest. Or I could spend some and then use the remaining amount for steady interest income. The major dilemma is that a million dollars just does not go as far as it used to go and that if I were to live in the New York City area, that is doubly true. So, its almost impossible for me to day dream about winning a million dollars without being practical and thus ruining the day dream. However, if I won $100,000,000 within the first 180 days of my campaign as a plain old super filthy rich individual I would do the following:

  • Buy a Classic 8 apartment that is on 5th Avenue, in front of Central Park and near the Met.
  • Buy a duplex loft apartment in the West Village, East Village or SoHo (as of yet to be determined) so I can hang DT.
  • Buy a house somewhere cold so I can go skiing whenever I feel like it.
  • Buy a house somewhere warm so I can go to the beach whenever I feel like it.
  • Buy a Saab or Suburu sports wagon.
  • Buy a Cadillac V16.
  • Buy first editons of every Tolkien, Hemingway and King book published for my library (which will be housed uptown, by the museums naturally).
  • Create a tremendous music collection consisting of thousands of albums by hundreds of artists, digitize the entire thing and then keep it on a dedicated server so that my collection can be streamed into any apartment/house. This way, I can listen to my music whenever and wherever I so choose.
  • Ensure T1 connections for all of my residential properties.
  • Ensure every residence is as eco-friendly as possible. Use plenty of solar cells on every outside surface to create my own power. Plant grass on the roof to help reduce the CO2 in the atmosphere. Buy some books, read more about this subject and inact the smartest recommendations.
  • Buy a mint Don Mattingly rookie card from every manufacturer, buy a mint replica jersey, meet Mr. Mattingly, have a picture taken with him, have him autograph the picture and then frame all of these items together
  • Give Jessie enough money to open a restaurant, outfit every domicile with the latest and greatest kitchen equipment and hire a top ranked chef (like Jean-George) to give her cooking lessons whenever she feels like it. NOTE: Money given not to exceed $5,000,000.
  • Commision George DeStefano to paint, decorate and provide artwork for all of my residences.
  • Start a PAC that has Libertarian, Fiscally Responsible, Multilateral foreign policy and Tech savvy views that is focused on keeping America the most forward thinking nation on the planet. Hire Erik Neu to run it.
  • Start a hedge fund and install Eric Baum as its administrator. Hire Greg to the executive committee.
  • Somewhat relatedly, hire Eric Baum to manage all my personal assets. Hire Sara to prepare my taxes.
  • Hire Jason to write the screenplay, produce and direct the film adaptation of “A Semester In the Life of a Garbage Can.”
  • Buy Sara and Martin a dog kennel and install Patton as the company’s figurehead president.
  • Sponsor an eco-advernture racing team for Amos and Roseann.
  • Finance and produce (in part) a broadway play and hire Amy to design and create the set while also handling singing duty in the ensemble.
  • Do something extremely nice for every relative who has ever done something nice for me or Jessie (if talking about ‘Farb relatives) – no amount of “please, no, this is embarrassing” will prevent me from sparing no expense in giving these gifts. For example, despite all protests I will buy a horse racetrack for my grandfather.
  • Go to Toys-R-Us, have Jessie hold a stop watch, set it for 5 minutes and then run though the store, thowing everything that I could ever want into cart within the time allotted thus fulfilling on my lifelong dream do what all those who win the Nickelodeon Great Toy Grab contest get to do.
  • Get 4 tickets for every future Phish show. Give 2 to Michele and Keith. Keep 2 for me and Jessie. Give Jessie’s ticket to a friend if she doesn’t want to go.
  • Buy season tickets for the Jets and Yankees. Give all the tickets I do not want to use or will not use to high-school student achievers.
  • Have Mike become my personal shopper so that I can add tons of black Euro zipper shirts to my wardrobe.
  • Finally get a dog, specifically one that “is cool and does not suck.” Make sure that I walk him enough so that he likes me more than the dog walker.
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    Great Reads A-Plenty

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    It seems that all my favorite authors have decided to publish new books at the same time which is just fantastic. First Neil Gaiman started putting out those Marvel “1602” stories (Part 8, the last issue, is due to come out some time in March). Then Neal Stephenson released Quicksilver, book 1 of his Baroque Cycle Trilogy (which will keep me enthralled for years). Then Stephen King dropped The Wolves of the Calla on me, which took all of one week to devour – one week b/c I wanted to draw out my enjoyment, hell, I could have called in sick and finished it in one day. Now, due to the amazing response of The Dark Tower: Book 5, he’s accelerated the release schedule for Books 6 and 7. Book 6 is now due to come out sometime this June. However, since I can’t wait that long to read something and since I should be done with Quicksilver, all 788 pages of it, in the next few weeks, Dr. Brian Greene, my favorite theoretical physicist has finally published a follow up to his amazing tome The Elegent Universe. I just love presents and it isn’t even my birthday yet!

    Here is the NY Times review of Dr. Greene’s latest work, The Fabric of the Cosmos:

    The Almost Inconceivable, but Don’t Be Intimidated

    By JANET MASLIN

    Suppose that you are in a stationary position, reading a newspaper that contains a review of a new book about mind-blowing physics. The author of that book, Brian Greene, would like you to ponder a few things:

    1. You are not still. You only think you’re still. You are accelerating.

    2. Electromagnetic forces are holding your skin and bones together. (Whew.)

    3. Time flows as you read. But need it flow forward? Might it flow backward, so that you unread each word and the words appear to you in reverse order?

    4. Only 5 percent of the universe that you inhabit can be described as familiar matter. According to the author’s formulation, 25 percent is dark matter. The remaining 70 percent may consist of dark energy, which remains at this moment a hypothetical concept. But the next generation of particle accelerators may be powerful enough to achieve empirical tests of this theory and many of the others postulated here. If at some future date physical evidence is found to corroborate the boldest of these speculations, trips to Stockholm may ensue.

    Dr. Greene is the author of “The Elegant Universe” (W. W. Norton, 1999), a book that his mother barely glanced at before telling him that it gave her a headache. He is also a guy for whom Einstein’s theories of relativity amount to baby talk. And he is the cutest thing to happen to cosmology since the neutrino, a particle that can easily pass through trillions of miles of lead. The neutrino’s task is not unlike the one that Dr. Greene (who teaches at Columbia University) has assigned himself: explaining the weirdest, most arcane principles of cutting-edge physics to lay readers.

    It might be helpful to recall that even Einstein had a professor who called him a lazy dog. Nobody ever said that cosmology was simple, not even Stephen Hawking, in whose tradition Dr. Greene impressively follows.

    As a popularizer of exquisitely abstract science, he is both a skilled and kindly explicator. His new book, “The Fabric of the Cosmos,” is filled with encouraging asides (“but don’t be intimidated”), compassionate ones (“you may need a break”) and helpful reiterations. “Although there is still some controversy, I think the most accurate statement is that in some respects general relativity has a distinctly Machian flavor, but it does not conform to the fully relationist perspective Mach advocated,” he writes with typical heady brio. Then he is nice enough to re-state this: “Here’s what I mean.”
    If Dr. Greene outlined the Big Bang basics in “The Elegant Universe” and cast light on what he finds most exciting (the superstring theory), he delves into more exotic and daunting material in this book. Once again we move from three dimensions (as befit our pitifully inadequate intuition about the world) to, well, 11. Where are the others? The little dimensions may be curled around big dimensions in ways that we cannot detect. The book suggests imagining yourself watching a two-dimensional movie in a three-dimensional theater, then extrapolating from there.

    Here, too, is occasion to contemplate a universe made up of tiny vibrating strings instead of particles, strings “so small that a direct observation would be tantamount to reading the text on this page from a distance of 100 light-years.” Then there are multidimensional versions of membranes (2-branes, 3-branes, etc.), which work as reminders of why the author’s mother’s head hurt. But Dr. Greene – who has invoked his mother in one of the book’s amusingly colloquial illustrations of scientific theory, in this case time travel – displays a remarkably light touch under the circumstances. Readers are far likelier to be excited than baffled by even his thorniest formulations.

    That’s a function of the author’s own enthusiasm: his excitement for science on the threshold of vital breakthroughs is supremely contagious. “The Fabric of the Cosmos” is as dazzling as it is tough, and it beautifully reflects this theoretician’s ardor for his work. In interviews he is sometimes asked where the next generation of physicists will come from. One clear answer: from the brain-teasing, exhilarating study of books like this.

    Although the most hard-core of Dr. Greene’s readers can find the relevant equations in his footnotes, much of the book strives to have broader appeal. Dr. Greene walks a thin line between complex, profoundly counterintuitive theories and almost desperately colloquial examples (events that are cyclic: Larry King’s marriages). But if he sometimes strains hard to be user friendly, it’s easy to see why he feels the need to entertain. Thus the probability of one outcome, according to quantum mechanics, is so small “that it makes the probability that you will marry Nicole Kidman or Antonio Banderas seem enormous by comparison.”

    If Dr. Greene chooses to illustrate some ideas in this way, he has more difficulty in presenting graphic accompaniment to his text. The difficulties in presenting 11-dimensional illustrations are self-evident. Even so, this book’s small, black-and-white photographs and drawings are notably disappointing. “A schematic depiction of all space throughout all time” looks like a cosmic dust mop. Representations of five types of string theories, whether before meta-unification (little peaks surrounded by fog) or after (little peaks once the fog has lifted), look like miniatures ready for Godzilla.

    So Dr. Greene cannot offer much in the way of visual shortcuts. But here’s what he can do: send the reader’s imagination hurtling through the universe on an astonishing ride.

    ramblings

    NeuCom.ie

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    So I started thinking about the next big upcoming chapter… about how this brooding hero-character, whom some (mistakenly) see as the chosen one final turns truly dark.

    He has shown, up till now, strong signs of willfulness, arrogance, stubbornness, selfishness, impulsiveness, refusal to admit when he is wrong… all shadowy aspects of his person. However, in the next chapter, which, if we are to believe the powers-that-be, would have to be the hero-character’s final chapter, he finally snaps, destroying everything in his path to now openly serve his truly dark and twisted master. By that point the ones he serves have solidified their powers through plying on security fears and amassing an enormous military-industrial complex, but in this last chapter they will toss away all vestiges of serving the state in favor of their own diabolical plans, but by then it will be too late to stop them and only a small minority will be left to fight… to eventually undo what they have done some 20 years later.

    And there’s only one thing anyone can do to prevent it.

    Vote Kerry.

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    Yet More News on my Saturday Night Excitement

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    From the New York Post’s 1/20/04 edition:

    January 20, 2004 — A 27-year-old man who was shot in a wild Chinatown gun battle that left one man dead told cops yesterday he was an innocent bystander who got caught in the crossfire. Chauan-Min Zhang, who took a bullet in the back, was recuperating at Bellevue Hospital.

    Investigators are trying to determine a motive for the three-way shootout. Chauan-Min told cops that he was inside the Super Taste House Restaurant on Division Street Saturday night when two gunmen – one with an AK-47 assault rifle, the other with a .45-caliber revolver – ambushed another man outside the eatery.

    The gunmen’s intended victim, while under a hail of bullets, fired back with his .38-caliber revolver, police said. The victim, who remains unidentified, died a short time later.

    Larry Celona

    Every time I read another article I learn that more guns and more bullets were fired – I think I’m going to stop reading the news on this one…

    ramblings

    Rabbi offers prayer for Web porn surfers

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    From the Offbeat News section of the Technology area of CNN.com:

    JERUSALEM, Israel (Reuters) –An Israeli rabbi has composed a prayer to help devout Jews overcome guilt after visiting porn sites while browsing the Internet.

    “Please God, help me cleanse the computer of viruses and evil photographs that disturb and ruin my work …, so that I shall be able to cleanse myself,” reads the benediction by Shlomo Eliahu, chief rabbi in the northern town of Safed.

    Eliahu, quoted by Israel’s largest daily newspaper Yedioth Ahronoth, said he had responded to a deluge of queries from Orthodox Jews worried that the lure of Internet sex sites was putting family relationships at risk.

    The rabbi recommends that Jews recite the prayer when they log on to the Internet or even program it to flash up on their computer screens so they are spiritually covered whether they enter a porn site intentionally or by mistake.

    ramblings

    “Really” Funny Commercials

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    If you haven’t gotten this link yet from a friend then:

    a) your friends don’t like you

    b) you are missing out big time.

    The page contains links to copies of every Real Men of Genius and Real American Heroes Bud Lite commercial that has aired on TV and radio. You try NOT to laugh but you can’t, they are just too damn funny! If you are having a bad day, just listen to “Mr. Deli Meat Slicer” – – – who cuts the cheese? HE DOES!

    ramblings

    More “Duck-Duck” News

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    Here is more news about what when down in Chinatown this past Saturday night. This one is from the New York Daily News:

    Chinatown barrage stumps cops
    By MICHELE McPHEE and ALICE McQUILLAN
    DAILY NEWS POLICE BUREAU

    Officer with the NYPD’s crime scene unit stands amid 45 shell casings marked at the scene of a fatal shooting on Division St. in Chinatown Saturday.

    Police are eying bus company rivalry or gambling as the possible motives in the wild Chinatown machine-gun shootout that killed one man and wounded a second, sources said yesterday.

    More than 40 shots ripped through Division St. near Market St. late Saturday after a dispute in a restaurant spilled outside.

    An unidentified man in his 30s died after being shot in the chest and body about 10:45 p.m.

    A 27-year-old man, who was not identified by police, survived multiple gunshots and is in critical but stable condition at Bellevue Hospital.

    His girlfriend, a ticket agent for a Chinatown bus company, drove the wrong way down Elizabeth St. to get him to the Fifth Precinct, sources said. She carried the bleeding man into the station house.

    Her car, which she left in the street, blocked the route of an ambulance trying to reach the second victim, who died an hour later at NYU Downtown Hospital, sources said.

    Police said they are investigating the war between competing Chinatown coach companies and gambling as possible motives.

    “We have no witnesses, no videotape and no cooperation. Nobody’s talking,” said a law enforcement source. “We really don’t know what happened yet, but a lot of bullets were flying.”

    Cops said they recovered a .38-caliber handgun and 45 shell casings, 34 of them from a machine gun, five from a .38-caliber gun and six from a .45-caliber gun.

    Anyone with information is asked to call (800) 577-TIPS or the Fifth Precinct at (212) 334-0742

    I love the part how the girlfriend drives down the street the wrong way to get her bleeding gangster boyfriend to the hospital which saves his life while blocking the ambulance that was going to the other guy the boyfriend was with. I’m wondering about whether or not the boyfriend was actually trying to kill the other guy. If so, then that girlfriend hit the daily double because she basically finished off the other guy by blocking ambulance access to him. There is no mention of whether or not the girlfriend is being charged with any crime so I’m guessing that they he was a fellow and not rival gang member, or maybe an innocent bystander. Another reason I’m guessing that he wasn’t the target of the boyfriend is based on the what the New York Times had to say:

    Man Is Killed in a Shooting in Chinatown
    By ANDREA ELLIOTT
    Published: January 19, 2004

    One man was shot dead and another wounded on a Chinatown street on Saturday night, the police said yesterday.

    The two victims were standing on the sidewalk near 49 Division Street about 10:45 p.m. when one or more people opened fire at them. A 30-year-old man was shot in the chest and taken to New York University Downtown Hospital, where he was pronounced dead an hour later, the police said. They did not release his name.

    The other victim, 27, was shot twice – once in the left shoulder and once in the stomach. He showed up at the Fifth Precinct station house, two blocks from the shooting scene, a few minutes later, the police said. That victim, who was also not named by the police, was taken to Bellevue Hospital Center, where he was in critical but stable condition, the police said.

    Officers recovered a .38-caliber revolver and 45 casings at the scene of the shooting, which rattled the otherwise calm street, which is lined with dim sum restaurants and electronics shops. Shopkeepers said they worried that the shooting would drive away business.

    Just steps from where the shooting occurred, a bullet had blown a hole the size of a grapefruit into the front window of the Golden Bowl Restaurant. A makeshift sign on pink paper covered the hole and announced, in Chinese, that the restaurant was hiring.

    The restaurant had closed at 9 p.m. Saturday, but the window remained exposed because the shop’s iron security gate was broken and could not be pulled down over it, employees said. They said they found the hole when they came to work yesterday morning, as well as a stray bullet on the floor, which the police took.

    “We didn’t know what happened until we saw the newspapers,” said Paula Zou, 30, a waitress who spoke through a Chinese translator. “We thought it was a thief.”

    Throughout the day, people talked about the shooting, which Chinatown’s three main newspapers, The Ming Pao Daily News, The World Journal and The Sing Tao Daily, reported on their front pages.

    “It was a big thing for Chinatown,” said Roxanne Lo, a reporter for The Ming Pao Daily News. “People in Chinatown have concerns that gangs are coming back.”

    A police spokesman said it was too early to tell whether the shooting was gang related.

    This version is somewhat closer to what I remember, though again, things happened very quickly and I was more concerned about getting to safety rather than noticing the finer points of the excitement.