Category: ramblings

ramblings

The NY Times Real Estate Section Is Stalking Me!

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As my wife so acutely pointed out today, the NY Times Real Estate section has been mirroring our life for the past few months. Actually, its consistently about a week or two behind actual events. Here’s how:

First, a little background. Jessie and I are currently looking at apartments to buy. When we first started looking, we thought that we would buy an apartment in Harlem because its up-and-coming and the prices are so much cheaper than the rest of Manhattan. A week or two after we began looking in earnest, the Times printed an article on August 29th entitled “In East Harlem, Developers Find The Next Frontier.” We laughed and also were a tad dismayed; what if everyone adopted the same strategy as we had based on this article and whatever deals remained would be quickly snapped up?
After looking in Harlem for only a little bit, we found what we thought was the ideal apartment – a 3 bed room 1000 sq ft apartment on 119th and Madison. It was bigger and more expensive than we wanted and needed but as an investment, we thought that it was a “can’t miss” proposition. We bid on it the next day and although our bid was accepted, the seller later that week made up (or at least we strongly suspect made up) some story about a higher bid coming in after ours was accepted and said that we could still have the apartment but that we needed to match the higher asking price. We declined and walked away from the deal because it was just too much. The very next weekend, on September 26th, the Times published an article entitled “3-Bedrooms Soar as New York Nests” which featured the apartment we walked away from as the only 3 bedroom apartment that is available in Manhattan for less than $500,000. Jessie and I laughed and said, “I guess that apartment is going to be even more popular now.” In fact, it wasn’t sold and its now off the market. We both think that the seller was fucking about and just wanted to see how much he/she could get for it. If the price was high enough, he/she would sell. I guess the price isn’t high enough yet.

We continued to look for an apartment, working on our own and with the aid of our broker. We have a very ambivalent feeling towards him because while we like him, we don’t love him and often feel that we are finding more and better apartments to look at than he is finding for us. True to form about a week or two after we started to feel this way, the Times wrote an article on October 3rd entitled Your Broker as Your Friend, or Maybe Not.

After looking at a number of different apartments over a few weekends, we found one that we liked alot and placed a bid on it. Ours was one of five bids but after a day’s worth of negotiations, it was the winning bid. The apartment is an awesome loft space one block from Washington Square Park in the heart of NYU’s campus. Its basically a big white box which needs some work so we would put in a new bathroom, new kitchen, new closets and even build a nice second level because it has 13 foot ceilings and we can – we saw another apartment in the same building that did this already and we were really looking forward to this design project. However, when talking about the building to our friend Keri she said, “Aren’t you going to be living above a restaurant?” We didn’t know – the entrance was on a side street and we hadn’t been back since the open house. So, Jessie did some recon on her way to work and sure enough, the ground floor has a mexican cantina, a coffee shop and a caterer. The apartment we “won” was on the second floor. So, once again we walked away from an apartment, although this time rather reluctantly. Sure enough, this past weekend the NY Times followed our lead with an article on October 10th entitled Rushing to Buy Can Bring Regrets on Moving Day”. This is now just plain weird.

Now we are thinking about simply renting for another year or two instead of buying because the market is so inflated. If the Times writes about this as an emerging trend, I’m going to crap myself and seek a restraining order.

ramblings

In Honor of Jacob Cohen, aka Rodney Dangerfield

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To honor the life of Jacob Cohen, aka Rodney Dangerfield, I have compiled for your faithful reader some of his best one liners:

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west!

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father.. “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could..but he pulled through.”

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I worked in pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy..for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof!

My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning!

Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him..”Do you think we’ll ever find them.” He said..”I don’t know kid.. there are so many places they can hide.”
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor.. so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said..”On your mark…”

On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it’s different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.

When my old man wanted sex.. my mother would show him a picture of me.

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next tuesday.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

For two hours..some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!

A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York.I asked him..”How am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo?” He told me..”That is why we give you 21 days.” Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii. No days.. just nights.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good. They say..”Love thy neighbor as thy self.” What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too?

At christmas time I sat on santa’s lap. His fly was open. Boy..what a present he gave me!

My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the dogs bed. Actually she did put the mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

I’m a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. She said..”Why should I.. you never put out for me.”

I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex.She said..”No.. one drag is enough.”

A girl phoned me and said..”Come on over there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren’t for pick-pocketers i’d have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said..”Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said.. “No.. I hate myself now.”

She was no bargain either. She showed up with pigtails under her arms.

She was fat and ugly. She was so fat that…
– She got on the scale and a card came out saying.. “One at a time.”
– Her bath tub has stretch marks.
– Her belly button makes an echo.
– She has a dress with a sign on the back saying.. “Caution wide load.”
– When guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
– One day I ran into her with my car. She asked me why I didn’t ride around her. I told her that I didn’t think I had enough gas.
– Her bikini is made out of two bed sheets.
– When guys eat her out they ask for provisions for the trip.

She was so ugly that…
– She was known as a two bagger. That’s when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
– I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs.
– I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
– They use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
– I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her
– The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me.. “What’ll you have?” I said..”surprise me.” He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah..my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. One day..as I came home early from work..I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy..”Hey buddy..why are you doing that for?” He said..”Because you came home early.”

I went to look for a used car. I found my wife’s dress in the back seat!

Once in a restaurant I made a toast to her..”The best woman a man ever had.” The waiter joined me.

It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning..put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom!

I had a problem. I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem…I don’t know who to thank!

My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one of them had VD.

I went to see my doctor.. you know him.. Doctor Vidi-boom-ba? Yeah..I told him once.. “Doctor.. every morning when I get up and look in the mirror..I feel like throwing up; what’s wrong with me?” He said..”I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I told him I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath…he holds up his arms.

Why every time he smokes..he blows onion rings.

My psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy. I told him.. “If you don’t mind I’d like a second opinion. “He said..”Alright..you’re ugly too.”

I was so ugly..my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face…turned me over and said.. “Look…twins!”

And we were poor too. Why if I wasn’t born a boy..I’d have nothing to play with!

ramblings

Scrabble is a Religion

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I watched an interesting flash movie just now. I found a link to it in a post at Screenhead, the latest Nick Denton micropublishing vehicle. This post was about a newly launched web site called Vid Lit which “offers a different kind of Flash, with the emphasis on storytelling, and images as more of an incidental device. Feels like This American Life, but with pictures. Entry ‘Craziest’ by Liz Dubelman offers up the idea of the word game Scrabble as a religion. Like the Da Vinci Code, only mildly less insane.”

After watching the flash video, I checked my Amazon Wish List and unfortunately, although I added Word Freak:Heartbreak, Triumph, Genius, and Obsession in the World of Competitive Scrabble Players a while ago, it is still on it. I really want to read it though so if you want to buy it for me, I’ll promise to write a book review.

This post goes out to Jay, Keri, Eric, Michelle and Erik – scrabble nuts, every last one.

ramblings

Summer Camp

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I just saw a face on Friendster that I haven’t seen in decades. I know her first name is Audrey because Friendster told me her first name is Audrey but I don’t know her last name. Her profile doesn’t list it and I cannot for the life of me remember what it is or was (maybe she’s married now). I think it’s one syllable. In fact, I wouldn’t have remembered her first name either if it wasn’t provided to me, which is sad because a long time ago she was a very important friend of mine. I remember she said one of the nicest things to me at one of my worst pre-teen and/or teenage moments, period. I had just asked someone out, that person said no and I was crushed, very unhappy and extremely angry. Right outside the back door of the canteen in Camp Lohikan’s rec hall, as it was slightly drizzling she said, while wearing a grey hooded zippered sweatshirt,

“One day, you are going to make a great husband.” It sounds like such a simple statement but to a deeply depressed 14 year old, it was incredibly profound and it made all the difference in the world. Obviously it had an impact on me because, all these years later, I still vividly remember it. When others rejected me later on in life I would go back to her words to brush off the hurt – this is true, not some concocted memory. Look at me about 13 years later – I have made someone a great husband. And I have a great wife too. Interesting how some things work out like that.

Man, not knowing her last name is really going to bug me. I had a big crush on her for a while too. I remember the first time I saw her I wanted, needed, to know her name. So, one day when I was waling down the big hill to the lake and she was in front of me, when she dropped her activity card, I picked it up to learn who she was and what bunk she was in. I thought that was a pretty sly move. Maybe that is why I remember that moment. I was 12 at the time.

At camp, we were very good friends. In fact, she was one of my best and truest female friends summer after summer. My crush on her was always there though, sometimes subtle and deep in the background, sometimes more pronounced though I don’t think she ever knew until I told her. I finally got up the nerve to ask her out once during the 4 summers we spent together. I thought I remembered exactly the “when” and “where” but the when is now fuzzy to me, because I thought it was during my last summer there, right before I left to go on a 3 day, 2 night hiking excursion through the Catskill Mountains. That can’t be right though because I was dating someone at the time (who I promptly broke up with when I returned from that trip – another story in itself). So, it must have been earlier in the summer, probably when I was striking out left and right with women. Regardless of when it was I remember where it was: by the pool, on the hill, close to the road. I said that if I didn’t ask her, I would always regret it and that I had to know how she felt about me. Her answer should be obvious – she said no in case it wasn’t to you. What the hell was her name?!

Memories to me are funny little things. They are mental snapshots of events that like regular photos fade over time. Different details fade faster than others though. I remember so many faces; I can immediately pull up some many images in my mind when thinking about camp but the names almost all escape me.

Here are some names that I don’t want to forget: Dave Lampert, David Lyon, Scott Gausling (who turned me onto both rock and rap), Doug Jenson (and his afternoon tea service), Ian Brassett (who turned me into a Man U supporter because he supported Arsenal and I wanted to annoy him), Marc Blum (who still has a pair of fatigues that I want back, though I saw him in a mosh pit in 1995 where he told me “they are now shorts!”), Michael Endes, Jeff Beitler, Todd and Adam Shapiro, Dave Sereata (sic), Greg Lyons, Richard Johnson (his dad was supposedly Dennis Johnson of the Celtics, not sure if that is true), Melanie Talesnick, Lindsey Melnick, Holly Something (Orians! – added 5/9/06), VJ Fallabella, Evan Ruane, JB Something, Rob Melnick (who, rumor had it, played with GI Joes naked on his bed), Tiny Something (his name wasn’t even Tiny, that was his nickname because he was so huge).

Man oh man, I can’t remember anyone’s name. The names above represent maybe 5% of the people I knew. I even went to the camp website just now – I have gotten that nostalgic. I even posted something on the camp message board. I may have to go to the Poconos this weekend now.
When I remember more names, I’ll add them as comments.

OR I’ll just add them to the post! The second I left work I remembered Audrey’s last name – Kessler! It just popped into my head as I headed east along 41st St towards the subway. In fact, I remembered that Audrey isn’t even the girl I was thinking of – Audrey is the girl I was thinking of’s younger sister who also attended Camp Lohikan! So, if you reread this post, please substitute Eden for Audrey. I mean, how can you forget a name like Eden? Well, I did, at least for a little bit. This investigation explains Audrey’s age being 23 (her sister Eden, my friend, is 26 and only one year younger) and why she looks like the girl I was thinking of but sort of not really. I am no longer annoyed. Happy Friday.

’06 UPDATE: I met both of them at a camp reunion in the summer of ’05. I joked about this post and found out that they hadn’t read it (though many others had – see my Summer Camp II post). I got to share the story above with them and it really made them smile. Then, afterwards Eden emailed me to say that she had read the post and that it really, really made her smile. What a great full circle moment. Ka is truly a wheel.

ramblings

Entrepreneurship: Jamaican Style

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….and I’m not talking about marijuana either. Hurricane Ivan decimated the island’s power grid and hundreds of thousands of people are still without power. As many of the island’s inhabitants rely on cell phones to communicate, some enterprising souls have turned their cars into mobile money making machines.

The photo below shows a car charging cell phone batteries from its own car battery. The owner of the car is selling this service for $50 a charge – see sign on the windshield.

Yes, I know the sign is sort of illegible but trust me, it was $50. I received this photo from a woman I work with who has family in Jamaica. Her relative brings 4-5 of his neighbors’ cell phones to work with him everyday to charge for free – each week he charges around 20 – 25 phones. Just looking at the photo, I see that there is about $500 – $1000 sitting on that car’s hood.

No matter what the occasion or circumstance, some people will always go out of their way to help and others will find a way to make money. Oh the humanity!

ramblings

Best of Blah blah blog: week of 9/27

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Here is the second installment of the “Best of Blah Blah Blog” for the week of September 27th:
Miss Universe, Austrailian Jennifer Hawkins was modeling back in her home country, putting on a show for the local fans. As Chris put it, “Even though it started out alright, it didn’t end up as planned. All the men in the audience must have collectively prayed to God for Jennifer to step on the back of her skirt and tear it completely off, because he listened, and made it happen, and it was just as great as you might hope.”

You can see pictures here and here and you can even watch the complete video (12.5 MB). It really is as good as you’d hope it would be.

Photostamps is an outright cool ass idea for a company and I can’t wait to give them my money in return for custom made stamps. I’m not surprised that some outrageous stamps have been produced and successfully mailed through the postal system (I heard a Unibomber stamp made it through – no joke) but right now I can’t think of any iconic images that I would want to make into a stamp. Hmmm… I’m really going to have to think about this one. Any suggestions?

ramblings

Hot and Wide Awake

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Sounds like the title of a Skinimax movie doesn’t it? I’m in NJ, done with fasting and atoning for the vows I broke last year, for the wrongs I committed and the rights that I never got around to doing, and wide awake. Wide wide awake. The kind of awake that is uncomfortable this late because you know you are tired, you know that you are getting up in 5 hours, you know that only getting 5 hours of sleep is going to throw off your entire week, and so on and so forth. So after trying and failing to fall asleep I’ve decided to at least be somewhat productive.

It’s 2:31 AM and I’m sitting on a footstool because the chair in this room has 10 text books stacked on it and I’m too lazy to move them. So, I’m awake yet lazy. I’ve been surfing for the last 45 minutes, catching up on the news and on some blog reading. I work with some very talented people who have their own blogs. So, I started with their writings.

I first checked out Chris’s blog to see if anything new has been posted. Nothing’s new. I wrote last month that I would on a weekly basis post a “Best of Blah blah blog” entry because I think his blog is that good. I think Miss Universe’s skirt getting torn off by her own wayward stilletto heel is post worthy. I’m post it tomorrow.

I then went to Stephanie Klein’s blog which is fantastic. I was talking about her at break fast tonight with someone who wants to be a graphic designer. I mentioned how talented she is and then mentioned how she took all the photos that are in the rooms of the Hotel Gansevoort and then how her writing was featured in the Independent, a London newspaper, back in July, etc etc. Basically, I went on and on about her – with good reason. She is hightly talented, multi-facetted and very impressive. I’m slightly intimidated in her presence because I want to be as creatively productive as she is but I’m not. At least right now. I could be if I really tried. I haven’t really tried. I will one day. Maybe. Now that I’m thinking about Stephanie, I’ll mention something that has been bugging me for almost two years now. If you go to her blog and read it you’ll soon discover that she was divorced and is still pretty hurt. However, at work she still goes by “Stephanie Dines” which was her married name. I know that she was divorced over a year ago and quite possibly two because she was married when my incident occurred and was divorced when I returned to work. So, sometime between January 21, 2002 and December 4, 2002 her marriage ended. I have always wondered why she hasn’t changed her name back from Dines to Klein, especially since she is as hurt by the breakup as she lets on in her writing. Maybe I’ll tell her about this post and finally ask her about it. Maybe I’ll do that next week.

Ah, there are so many maybes in the early hours of the morning. Maybe I’ll see “Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow” one night this coming week. Maybe Jessie and I will see an apartment tomorrow that we would actually like to buy. Maybe I’ll finally start writing my collection of short stories. Maybe I’ll finally come up with an original and viable business idea that will allow me to work out of the home and become rich and famous. Okay, maybe not famous but definitely rich. But the kind of rich that invariably leads to fame because “damn, that guy is so rich.” Maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt. We’ll see. I should try to go to bed again. I’ve been on the computer for over an hour now. If you see another post at 4:00 AM you’ll know I wasn’t successful.

ramblings

Important Jury Duty Info

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I received this little news tidbit last week (September 15th) but with the Jewish holidays I finally got around to posting it. This is good to know for all those who may face jury duty one day – now jury duty can be a lot more fun! Read on below for details:

NY Judge To Jurors: It’s OK To Be Drunk
By Jeanne King

NEW YORK (Reuters) – New Yorkers dreading jury duty take note: it’s OK to be drunk on booze or high on pot or cocaine while doing your civic duty.

So said a New York judge Wednesday, who refused to set aside the verdict on a retired city firefighter convicted of swiping souvenirs from Ground Zero, citing the U.S. Supreme Court to back her ruling.
Samuel Brandon, 61, found guilty in March of petty larceny for stealing personal items from the ruins of the World Trade Center, asked for a new trial after a juror told him after the verdict that he had been drinking during deliberations.

But Manhattan Supreme Court Judge Ellen Coin cited a 1987 Supreme Court decision which rejected the argument that jurors consuming alcohol, smoking marijuana, snorting cocaine and falling asleep constituted an “outside influence” on jurors.

Coin said being drunk on jury duty was “reprehensible,” but that there was little she could do about it given the Supreme Court ruling.

“However severe their effect and improper their use, drugs or alcohol voluntarily ingested by a juror seem no more an ‘outside influence’ than a virus, poorly prepared food, or lack of sleep,” the Supreme Court said in its decision.

Brandon faces up to one year in jail at his Sept. 27 sentencing.

>>> Thanks to Evan Glass for sending this my way.

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Concentration At Its Finest

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If I ever need to hire either a night watchman or someone to look after something, I will look for someone who has “Olympic Ping-Pong Player” on their resume. See the pic below:

Table tennis players at the 2004 Athens Olympic Games, clockwise from top left are: USA’s Ilija Lupulesku on Aug. 14; China’s Zhang Yining on Aug. 22; Shu Arai of Japan on Aug. 14 ; Italy’s Yang Min on Aug. 14; Sweden’s Jorgen Persson on Aug. 15; Hong Kong’s Leung Chu Yan on Aug. 16; Germany’s Jorg Rosskopf on Aug. 17 and Ryo Yuzawa of Japan on Aug. 14. At center is Laura Negrisoli of Italy on Aug. 15. (AP Photo/stf)

Thanks go to the the Digital Journalist for posting the pic.

ramblings

J-Date Profile Gets Mad Hits

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Recently, “KnowtheScore,” a single guy in NYC who has been posting about his relationship to J-date.com totally revamped his J-date profile. He took the picture which is attached to his real J-date profile and created a completely fake profile to match the same picture. He did this because his real profile has received only two responses over six months and wanted to see what a little fiction could do to his response rate.

In embellishing his profile, he said he made a lot of money doing something telecom related and alluded to owning a boat. Big deal to our jaded NY women right? Well, this fake profile got 22 responses and they are all funny. He has posted the history behind this idea as well as all of the responses he received – its friggin’ great and it just made my day at 4:21 PM on a slow, Friday afternoon. Enjoy.