When I was out in Cali at the beginning of July, my friends and I were sitting around the Q grilling, chatting and laughing. I said, “You know what’s funny, those Chuck Norris facts” which fell totally flat – no one knew what the hell I was talking about which was shocking – I know this list is “old” in Net years and figured one out of the five at least would be familiar with them. So, I mentioned the one Chuck Norris fact I know by heart – “Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.” – and my friends just lost it. I then went inside, jumped on a computer and found the full list of 30 facts about Chuck Norris, a list that will blow your friggin mind. I tried to read them all but couldn’t get past the first 10 because I was laughing so hard. We then decided that these facts are way too powerful to be read at once and we would read them only in increments of five. I waited a day for 10 – 15 and it took forever to get through those five facts. Then, at a later date when my friend Steve took over at 15, he could only get through three of them because he was laughing so hard. At one point, he was holding onto a railing in order to stand. You have been warned. So now, without further ado, here are 30 Facts About Chuck Norris (with number one still my favorite):
1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
3. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
4. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
5. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
6. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
7. Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t f*ck with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
8. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
9. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick-related deaths.
10. To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
After the jump, read the next 20 if you dare.
Via Everyone
11. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
12. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
13. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
14. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris
15. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
16. Chuck Norris won ‘Jumanji’ without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living sh*t out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
17. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya”.
18. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
19. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.
20. Chuck Norris appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
21. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He also always makes it to Oregon before you.
22. When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”
23. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
24. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is “his” way.
25. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can “accidentally” beat the shit out of little kids.
26. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he’s Chuck Norris.
27. Those aren’t credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
28. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
29. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.
30. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.